Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Because I'm Almost 40

Why did I choose such an awful image? Because I'm almost 40.
The other night L.E. asked a question that I'm sure has been on her mind for a while.
"Mom, why do you change your pants as soon as you come home?"
"Because I'm almost 40," I told her.

Then I realized all of the other things I do because I'm almost 40.

  • Go to bed at 9:30
  • Wake up at midnight sweating
  • Don't fall back to sleep till 3 am
  • Need to eat every three hours
  • Forget where I left my keys
  • Forget where I parked my car
  • Forget what my car looks like
  • Have any clue what my 20-something co-workers are talking about
  • Have a sneaking suspicion that I could have dated any of their parents in college
  • Being winded from dropping off my kid at school
  • Enjoy Fixer-Upper marathons
  • Spend more that $12 on a bottle of wine
  • Own a home
  • Own more than one TV
  • Know the names of at least two neighbors
  • Own a fridge with a water dispenser and ice maker
  • Keep pets alive longer than two weeks
  • Keep a kid a somewhat-reasonable member of society
  • Remember my friends' birthdays
  • Forget my parents' birthdays
  • Get my car's oil changed every 5,000 miles
  • Be a master at stain-removal
  • Own bras that weren't purchased at Victoria's Secret
  • Stare off into space at least once a day and hope nobody's watching
  • Say, "I'm almost 40 so..." at least twice a day
  • Wear ear plugs to a concert
  • Wear ear plugs to a kids' show
  • Explain what a VCR was
  • Explain what commercials are
  • Explain what it meant when your dad answered the phone and tried to listen on your calls
  • Explain "You would answer the kitchen phone and your dad would pick up the dining room phone and listen in."
  • Explain "Phones had cords. And buttons."
  • Cringe when a song from the 90s is on the classic rock station
  • Never make plans for anything later than 9pm
  • Never make plans for anything after the bra comes off and the yoga pants come on
  • Not give a fuck about what people think


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