Monday, July 6, 2015

39 and Doing Fine

I turned 39 yesterday.
I said to Dr. T, "Remember my 19th birthday? My sister threw me a surprise party and you had to keep me out of the house all day."
That was 20 YEARS AGO.
So I had a moment of reflection on that day in 1995.
I had a Rachel haircut.
I was wearing shortalls.
I still lived at home.
I would move to Albuquerque a month later.
Nobody thought I would survive on my own. There actually was a bet involved on how long it would be until I moved back home.
I sure showed them!
I remember turning 29 and having an age freakout. I was going to be 30 in a year...a real grownup who won't be able to get away with the fun stuff that people in their 20s do.
Three months after my 29th birthday, my husband's best friend committed suicide. 
I could have gone off the rails and devolved into a shame spiral of drugs or drinking. I started smoking again and began therapy.
Nothing makes you face adulthood like dealing with a loss like that.
My next age crisis came at 35 and for that I blame a friend who once said "35 means you're closer to 50 than you are to 20." 
So I turned 39 yesterday which means one more year till 40. Honestly, the only age crisis I'm having right now is where do I celebrate my 40th birthday so that all of my friends and family will come?
I feel good about my age. I don't look 39, I still look good enough so that I'm not a "she looks good for her age" person yet. 
The weight is coming off, literally and figuratively. 
The only way I feel old is when my daughter tells me my age is a big number. What does she know, she's only 5!
And the fact that I'm always tired. ALWAYS.

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