|Prepping her for therapy since 2010.|
I didn't think it had anything to do with L.E.'s birthday. But apparently birthday-eve anxiety is a totally normal thing and I was suffering from it. Surprisingly, it didn't happen to me before now. Her 4th birthday.
When I was four, my favorite TV show was Scooby Doo. I wanted a doll house. I liked popsicles more than anything. Was this information my mom shared with me during her last visit? No. I know these things because I remember them. Now that L.E. is four, I know that she will remember way more about her life that she will carry into adulthood. So for me, that means that from now on, she can REMEMBER EVERYTHING. I don't have the safety of her toddler-hood to keep her from remembering that I smacked her on the head while adjusting her car seat. She can now throw that in my face! As well as telling her dad and her friends that I driver over the curb every day when I exit her preschool. And when we're sitting down for Christmas dinner in the year 2035, she'll resentfully bring up how I let her fingers get caught in a rubber stamp at my office when I had to bring her with me to meet the cleaning service.
Four means no more free passes. Parenting is getting real.
This is the strangest feeling. (As I typed this, my dog projectile vomited on me which is REALLY the strangest feeling...excuse me while I take a shower.)
OK, I'm back.
This is the strangest feeling because of all the anxiety and depression I've gone through over the last few years, I never had to stress about L.E. having memories of it. But now she'll know every time I screw up, every time I'm sad and every time I yell about something stupid. Though she's been parroting our mannerisms for ages, we now have a bigger responsibility to make sure she's learning the right lessons.
But all of that aside. She's 4. FOUR.
And absolutely remarkable.