Monday, June 2, 2014

Selfie-Esteem

The only selfie I've ever loved.


What am I more afraid of than anything? Myself.
Rather, my lack of self-esteem.
If you were to ask me what my favorite thing about myself is, it would take me a long time to answer.
I could be one of those cheeseball moms everybody loves to hate and say that it's my daughter.
That's the easy way out because I don't know how to think about myself in a positive light. I could instead name five things I hate about myself and four of them have to do with various body parts.
I try desperately to keep a positive body image in front of L.E. but at the same time, I'm always conscious about every roll my body has and how my pants are too tight. I joke about my addictions to tacos and queso but I don't know how funny it is when they really are all I think about and I feel terrible when I eat. If I go out to eat with somebody new, I claim to be one of those "I'm not going to hide who I really am" people and indulge in whatever I'm craving. And I hate myself after it.
Especially if that person ordered salad and ate less than half of it.
I convince myself that if somebody doesn't text me back that it automatically means they hate me or I said something I shouldn't have. Usually, it's because they're just like me and juggling 5-million things in their lives and don't always have time to text back. I should never think otherwise but I do.
Having no self-esteem sucks.
I've convinced myself that our new neighbors – who have become really great friends – will grow tired of me and not invite us over as much. I hope that doesn't happen because I like them. And they're putting in a pool next year.
Lack of self-love for my body is nothing new. I can cope with that or at least try to change it with all of the stupidly "motivating" posters I look at on Pinterest or by signing up to something called Abs, Buns and Guns for 30 days.
Or agreeing to run a half-marathon because I was drunk when I said I would and goddamn it I keep my drunken promises.
My self-deprecating attitude has become part of my schtick. I'd love to pretend it's just an act. But when I say to my boss, "Oh you're really going to be tired of being around me," I believe that's actually how she's going to feel.
My hypnotherapist chastises me when I say things like that. I'm glad she does. By sticking with this therapy, I'm seeing myself in a better light but still...baby steps.
I hate the way I look in photos but I don't want L.E. to wonder why I was never in pics with her. So I started doing the super-close-up selfies of us. I feel the best about myself when I'm around her and I want that to show in my Instagram feed.
After all, isn't the whole point of a social network showing off how happy you are so you can make everybody you know jealous?
If I make one person jealous by what I post, I would get a tiny bump in self-esteem because of how jealous I feel when I look at other peoples' feeds, especially when they're on vacation or rockin' a hot bikini bod or eating something smoked.
It all comes full circle.
Baby steps.
So if you were to ask me once again to name something I like about myself, I still couldn't give a solid answer. So I'd probably say my ability to rock a bright or dark lipstick.


6 comments:

  1. I think you have plenty of talent and beauty to spare! I get what you're saying, though, and I often feel the same way. In fact, I was having a big self esteem crisis this weekend and had many of the same thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kristin, you're amazingly beautiful and talented! I'm lucky that I know you.

      Delete
  2. If self loathing were dollars we'd both be rich mana, but we'd also both tell the other that we're crazy to think the way we do. ..I guess we need to see ourselves through the other's eyes to know reality. I've known you many moons now and I don't think you're amazing, I KNOW IT!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dang it. .. That should say mama not mana... stupid phone!

      Delete
  3. I think you are adorable, but I totally relate to this. I think that people don't like me, or if they like me online, they will be less than impressed when they meet me in real life (it takes me a bit to warm up to someone). I even have these thoughts about my best girlfriends. It's silly.

    FWIW, I love that we shared an entire bowl of queso. Because that stuff is delicious and we need to do it again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm ready for queso whenever you are, Leigh Ann!

      Delete