|The only selfie I've ever loved.|
What am I more afraid of than anything? Myself.
Rather, my lack of self-esteem.
If you were to ask me what my favorite thing about myself is, it would take me a long time to answer.
I could be one of those cheeseball moms everybody loves to hate and say that it's my daughter.
That's the easy way out because I don't know how to think about myself in a positive light. I could instead name five things I hate about myself and four of them have to do with various body parts.
I try desperately to keep a positive body image in front of L.E. but at the same time, I'm always conscious about every roll my body has and how my pants are too tight. I joke about my addictions to tacos and queso but I don't know how funny it is when they really are all I think about and I feel terrible when I eat. If I go out to eat with somebody new, I claim to be one of those "I'm not going to hide who I really am" people and indulge in whatever I'm craving. And I hate myself after it.
Especially if that person ordered salad and ate less than half of it.
I convince myself that if somebody doesn't text me back that it automatically means they hate me or I said something I shouldn't have. Usually, it's because they're just like me and juggling 5-million things in their lives and don't always have time to text back. I should never think otherwise but I do.
Having no self-esteem sucks.
I've convinced myself that our new neighbors – who have become really great friends – will grow tired of me and not invite us over as much. I hope that doesn't happen because I like them. And they're putting in a pool next year.
Lack of self-love for my body is nothing new. I can cope with that or at least try to change it with all of the stupidly "motivating" posters I look at on Pinterest or by signing up to something called Abs, Buns and Guns for 30 days.
Or agreeing to run a half-marathon because I was drunk when I said I would and goddamn it I keep my drunken promises.
My self-deprecating attitude has become part of my schtick. I'd love to pretend it's just an act. But when I say to my boss, "Oh you're really going to be tired of being around me," I believe that's actually how she's going to feel.
My hypnotherapist chastises me when I say things like that. I'm glad she does. By sticking with this therapy, I'm seeing myself in a better light but still...baby steps.
I hate the way I look in photos but I don't want L.E. to wonder why I was never in pics with her. So I started doing the super-close-up selfies of us. I feel the best about myself when I'm around her and I want that to show in my Instagram feed.
After all, isn't the whole point of a social network showing off how happy you are so you can make everybody you know jealous?
If I make one person jealous by what I post, I would get a tiny bump in self-esteem because of how jealous I feel when I look at other peoples' feeds, especially when they're on vacation or rockin' a hot bikini bod or eating something smoked.
It all comes full circle.
So if you were to ask me once again to name something I like about myself, I still couldn't give a solid answer. So I'd probably say my ability to rock a bright or dark lipstick.