Monday, March 24, 2014

This is 4.

Prepping her for therapy since 2010.
All weekend long, I had unexplained anxiety. I genuinely had no idea why; other than being rejected by Listen To Your Mother (which you should go see anyway because it will still be amazing even if I'm not in it), I've actually been doing really well. Work is great, I finally feel like we're hitting our Austin groove as far as having a social life and my frizzies are totally under control. Yet I was mopey and cranky all weekend.
I didn't think it had anything to do with L.E.'s birthday. But apparently birthday-eve anxiety is a totally normal thing and I was suffering from it. Surprisingly, it didn't happen to me before now. Her 4th birthday.
Why now?
When I was four, my favorite TV show was Scooby Doo. I wanted a doll house. I liked popsicles more than anything. Was this information my mom shared with me during her last visit? No. I know these things because I remember them. Now that L.E. is four, I know that she will remember way more about her life that she will carry into adulthood. So for me, that means that from now on, she can REMEMBER EVERYTHING. I don't have the safety of her toddler-hood to keep her from remembering that I smacked her on the head while adjusting her car seat. She can now throw that in my face! As well as telling her dad and her friends that I driver over the curb every day when I exit her preschool. And when we're sitting down for Christmas dinner in the year 2035, she'll resentfully bring up how I let her fingers get caught in a rubber stamp at my office when I had to bring her with me to meet the cleaning service.
Four means no more free passes. Parenting is getting real.
This is the strangest feeling. (As I typed this, my dog projectile vomited on me which is REALLY the strangest feeling...excuse me while I take a shower.)
OK, I'm back.
This is the strangest feeling because of all the anxiety and depression I've gone through over the last few years, I never had to stress about L.E. having memories of it. But now she'll know every time I screw up, every time I'm sad and every time I yell about something stupid. Though she's been parroting our mannerisms for ages, we now have a bigger responsibility to make sure she's learning the right lessons.
But all of that aside. She's 4. FOUR.
And absolutely remarkable.


3 comments:

  1. She will also remember all of the awesome things you do with her and for her! Happy four years of having a child!

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  2. Wait until she's 6 and she can repeat your conversations verbatim...

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  3. My two oldest are teens now...Wow I'm old.. Anywhoo. They went through some bad stuff when they were younger and I was so scared they would be traumatized forever, guess what, they are great. She just needs to know no matter how much you mess up, one admit it. two apologize when needed, and three make sure she always knows you love her no matter what. It's that easy. Your right no more toddler, now you have a small grown up in training. Crazy right. Good luck! You'll do great.

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