Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Last Day of Being a SAHM

Well this is it.
My grand experiment of being a stay-at-home-mom is coming to an end.
My three months of "finding myself and figuring out what I want to do" is over.
I start my new full-time job tomorrow.
Instead of starting over in a new career, I'm doing the same thing I've always done.
And I'm ok with that.
It's weird.
But I guess when you're good at something, you get recognized for it.
The one-armed bandits who have shaped my career have a home-base in Austin.
And they found me.
I enjoyed my time being home with L.E.
But she needs stimulation other than me.
I had every intention of building my writing career.
I wanted to turn this blog into my job.
I wanted to write a novel.
Instead I found myself depressed. Again.
I tried to make everything good.
I tried to be happy with my role at home.
But the lack of friends and adult interaction left me broken.
Some people are most creative when they're down.
I am hopelessly blocked.
I would spend L.E.'s naptimes in a ball on the couch watching 30 Rock in the hopes it would make me smile.
I spent my time not writing.
I thought this time with L.E. would be a great bonding experience.
It was but her battle cry still sounds for "Daddy."
I was offered this job on the spot.
I had nothing to lose in taking it.
Except time with my daughter.
A 30-minute commute each way.
One hour every day.
Five hours a week.
I'm the wicked one dropping her off at school.
Daddy is the hero picking her up every day.
Her rescuer.
But when I get home at night, she runs to me screaming, "Mommy's home! Mommy Mommy!" and gives me a giant hug.
The kind of hug that's one in a million.
The kind of hug that makes her so amazing.
She's stimulated in school.
She has friends.
She sleeps better.
People will ask me if a job is worth it.
When I tell you she spends most of her time at home with me watching TV, you will wonder why I didn't find a job sooner.


3 comments:

  1. Every day I drop my son off at pre-K feeling like a harried, hurried, monster-mom. My hubby has the pick up savior & after-school thing down to a super-hero science. It kills me a little that I can't be there every second of his childhood. But I know he'll be much better off learning to be his own little person. And as much as I want it to be about me, it really is all about him. You're not a Spartan mom, setting your infant on the hillside for three days to prove its worth, but you're not going to be the mom who is still organizing her socks when she's 30. Cut yourownself some much needed slack! You're awesome. She's awesome. You love her. She loves you. All it be is as it should!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree with Megan. You have no reason to feel any guilt. Being a stay at home parent is not an easy task and definitely not for everyone, myself included! There's nothing wrong with needing adults in your life and something intellectually stimulating to do during the day. Congrats on the job and have fun!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks, girls! I feel better about it every day. It'll be much better when she's in her new school. Where she is now is a little small and chaotic.

    ReplyDelete