Tuesday, September 18, 2012

I Wasn’t Ready for This


My lovely, and spotless, kitchen.

Yep, I knew I would back-track.
Every morning, I wake up and check my list for the week.
I started including look for a job on it.
I still have no idea what I want to do.
I don’t know if staying at home is it.
That scares me.
I love being with my daughter.
I hate having to defend it.
When you’re a parent, you’re already judged for every decision you make.
Natural birth or drugs.
Vaginal or c-section.
Breastmilk or formula.
Co-sleeping or cry it out.
Follow your kid on the playground or let them go explore on their own.
Montessori or Waldorf.
Stay at home or go back to work.
Enough is enough, people. The last thing parents need is affirmation that they’re not doing it right.
I’ve surprised people because I’m not working.
They all know me as being career-driven because that’s the personae I’ve always adopted before I became a mom.
This new role of mine was a shock to them.
They get a little bit judgey.
I explain that we just moved and I’m not sure what I want to do.
“But you’re a graphic designer!”
I’m obviously not a very good one.
I don’t have a website, minus this blog.
I don’t have the passion for design right now.
I have more passion for wiping off counters and folding laundry.
And a clean bathroom.
What does that say about my career?
So I stay at home. 
It’s sneer-worthy.
Not as sneer-worthy as saying I’m a writer.
I wasn’t prepared to defend my new place in life.
What is there to defend?
It’s not about money, it’s about happiness.
OK, not happiness but contentment.
Am I content? 
Ask me in a week.


5 comments:

  1. good lord woman, do you know what I would give to be staying at home if my man would let me?! I am crazy jealous and proud of you for being more driven to fold laundry and wipe a snotty nose then push pixels.

    do what is right for YOU and LE. do what you feel in your heart. Graphic design will still be there when you are ready to come back to it...

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  2. Who is doing the judging here about your choices? If it's anyone else but you and your very own heart, I'd suggest that those people no longer make the cut for your tribe. Free yourself!

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  3. It's easy to get wrapped-up in getting a paycheck or accolades from industry professionals to prove your worth . There's plenty of time to work. Enjoy your child while she needs you. You don't get re-dos on that part of your life. Let's ask "L" in a few years what mattered.

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  4. Thank you so much for the support, everyone! I think it's that I most recently spent time with the "blue collar" side of the family. Everyone has always worked. I'm fortunate to have the luxury of staying home right now. I just need to let go of the guilt that I'm not "contributing" financially to the household. Maybe when L.E.'s successfully potty-trained, I'll have that validation :)

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