Thursday, May 31, 2012

Me and Jessica Simpson

Finally, a famous person who rocked pregnancy like a normal person.
I love food. 
I’m sure that doesn’t come as a shock even if you are reading my blog for the first time. I’ve featured recipes, tips, obsessions with Food Network Stars and even a food-diary from a trip to Charleston.
Decadence breeds consequences. Consequences like back-fat, excessive sweating and every pair of pants feeling like a corset.
I gained weight.
You wouldn’t know it to look at me. Surprisingly, I wear the excess 25 pounds pretty well. But when I realized that even my watch was cutting off my circulation, it was time for a change.
I thought running would be enough. But with Dr. T traveling so much, I don't have time to run very regularly. I still don't own a jogging stroller and apparently you're not supposed to leave your kid unattended when you go on a drug bender or when you exercise. Hey, I don't make the rules...
I made the impulsive decision to join Weight Watchers online late Monday night. What better time to start dieting than the beginning of summer? I've been on the program before and even attended meetings. I've been fortunate to have previously worked for a large company that provided meetings on-site. I thought they were the worst part. You'd sit in a room full of insecure women and a few miserable men who got dragged along. Most of the women had zero intention of losing weight. I didn't go to the cafeteria very often but when I did, these same women would be there with a huge pile of bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy. There is no way they could have recorded the 19 Points for that meal every single day. I wondered why they even signed up.
Weight Watchers finally got smart and developed an online program and mobile app. I'm very thankful I don't have to suffer the humiliation of having to be weighed in a room full of people. As I said, I carry the excess weight well so I got the same evil glares from the women in Weight Watchers meetings as I did that one time I had to look for my friend in Lane Bryant. 
So I'm holding myself accountable instead of a roomful of sullen ladies who would rather be binging on KFC. Since I always have my phone on me, I can just type in what I've eaten and the WW app will tally the Points for me. Now is the hard part: being honest with the app. If I scarf down 6 of L.E.'s goldfish, I have to count them. One of the old Weight Watchers mantras was "If you bite it, write it." I'm afraid that I'll think it doesn't matter because nobody saw me and I won't write it. 
For the record, it takes 8 goldfish to equal 1 Point so I think I'm ok for now. Eating only 8 goldfish is ridiculous, though, when you can eat up to 23(!) and still have them equal 1 Point.
I haven't felt comfortable in my own skin for a really long time. But I haven't really complained about it, either. I know that eating with reckless abandon is wonderful but it can't be sustained over a long period of time. I know that when I was in my 20s, I could live on cheeseburgers and pizza and never gain an ounce. I guess I just thought I would always be like that. I don't know what's more depressing, the fact that I stare at cheesecake and it sticks to my thighs or that I'm no longer young. I've never been an emotional eater but as I've aged, I've become an emotional-everything. 
The way I feel about food while on WW is the same way a drug addict entering court-ordered rehab feels: like I'm saying good-bye forever to my best friend, only in this case it's Buffalo Wings and not Oxycontin.
Now seems to be a better time than any to join Weight Watchers. It's in the forefront of everyone's pop-culture radar, with Betty Draper on Mad Men going to one of the original meetings back in the late 60s. (Is that when they gave out these?) and Jennifer Hudson's dramatic transformation. 
Today, Jessica Simpson tweeted that she is so excited to get back into pre-baby form by being WW's new spokesperson, with a $4 million dollar payday to boot. (Full disclosure: they only offered me $2 million. We're still negotiating). I gave Jess a lot of credit while she was pregnant. She was the only famous person who gained pregnancy weight like a normal person. But now I just feel badly for her; she faces such extraordinary pressure to lose the weight F-A-S-T. I wish I could call her up and give her some advice: take care of baby Maxwell. The weight can wait. And if anyone gives you trouble, just pummel them with one of your hot pink platform shoes you have lying around. Actually, it would be pretty cool to just call her up. We could be besties and our girls could have playdates together! Maybe she'll be jealous of me because here I am 2+ years later and I'm still playing the "I just had a baby" card. But I digress...
I don't know if I'll succeed on WW. I feel like a diet plan that isn't restrictive could completely backfire. Or maybe I'll be starving all the time and pretty horrible to be around. Is it worth it? Yes, because I don't want my daughter to ever look at her body the way I look at mine. I want to have a better self-image that I can pass onto her.
I doubt I'll lose the full 25 pounds. Maybe I should just set small goals first like being able to fit back into my dressy muumuu before my birthday.

Homer Simpson in a muumuu. No relation to Jessica.
I just like muumuus.


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  2. A baby diaper bag stores diapers, toys, medicines, pacifiers, snacks and anything else you might need to keep baby comfortable and happy.As a matter of fact, diaper bags are as important as a diaper -- an equally indispensable part of a babys growing up years.

  3. I love food.
    I’m sure that doesn’t come as a shock even if you are reading my blog for the first time. I’ve featured recipes, tips, obsessions with Food Network Stars and even a food-diary from a trip to Charleston.