Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I swore I’d be different.

When I found out I was pregnant with L.E., I immediately did what most parents-to-be do: I categorically made a mental list of all of the things my child would or wouldn’t do because I’m going to be such an awesome and progressive parent. In honor of that list, and as a tribute to a few of my friends who are about to embark on their own parenthood journey, I bring you my What I Swore list:

What I Swore

I swore I would curb my pregnancy cravings and only gain the minimum amount of weight.
Gained 60 lbs.

I swore I would have a natural birth with no interventions unless medically necessary.
Scheduled c-section.

I swore she would breastfeed with little effort on my part.
Trouble breastfeeding.

I swore she would sleep through the night right away.
Sleep has been hard-fought.

I swore our television would remain OFF while she’s in the room.
Sesame Street and Yo Gabba Gabba may actually teach her things that I can’t.

I swore she'd be so happy that she would never cry or throw tantrums.
The terrible twos may have started early.

I swore a binky would not be used. Once I caved, I swore a binky would only be used at night.
Binky addicts need a support group.

I swore she wouldn't eat sand.
I swore she would occasionally fall asleep on the floor of our living room, surrounded by all of her toys with a soft smile on her face.
 I should be so lucky to have her arbitrarily fall asleep.

I swore she wouldn’t be a picky eater because her parents love food so much.
One day she ate nothing but puffies and M&Ms.

I swore she would never eat French fries.
She's eaten French fries plenty.

I swore one of her first words would be Porter.
Her first word was uh-oh, followed by baby; she says dug for Porter; she can say Melmo but not Mommy

I swore she would love stuffed animals, especially Frank the Frog.
She’s indifferent to Frank the Frog. 

I swore I would quit buying stuffed animals when I realized she rarely plays with them.
She got two at the Portland Zoo this past weekend.

I swore that her nose would rarely be a river of snot because of how diligently I would wipe it.
Her nose is a constant river of snot and there aren’t enough boogie wipes in the world for her.

I swore she would love hats and hair bows.
 She hates hats and hair bows. 

I swore I wouldn’t give her any processed food.
She loves Kraft mac & cheese.

I swore we would do Mommy & Me classes regularly and swimming lessons from 6 months on.
Who knew those classes can cost $100 a month or more? 

I swore she would only drink filtered or bottled water.
 I’ve caught her drinking out of the dog’s bowl. 

I swore I wouldn't tell stories about her poop.
One day, she ate nothing but blueberries for a day and her poop was blue.

I swore I wouldn't dress her in onesies that have ironic, poop-based sayings on them.
She has a onesie that says, "I'm going green. (in my diaper.)" 

I swore I wouldn't exploit her for the sake of my own gain.
By reading this blog, you are helping with my exploitation and you should call up your editor friend at Random House or Penguin and tell them I need a book deal. 

I swore I would lose the baby weight before her first birthday.
My fatitude has been well-documented on this blog. 

I swore being a working mom would be easy like it is on TV.
It's like having TWO full-time jobs; stay-at-home moms just have one. 

I swore hearing her laugh would be the greatest sound ever.
One promise kept is better than none.

1 comment:

  1. Reality sets in. It's nice to see how everyday life creeps in compared to what we think will happen. Kind of all seems to go out the window doesn't it.