Thursday, April 21, 2011

37:40 -- I Swear, She Hates Me Sometimes

See the indifference in her beautiful brown eyes.
I love my baby girl. I know she loves me too. She has to, I'm her mother. But sometimes I'm pretty sure there are a gazillion other people in the world she'd rather be with than me. I know this stems from my own lifelong insecurities but I still can't shake it.
Sure, she's super-happy to see me when I pick her up from daycare. She sees me through the glass door and puts her arms up for a pick-me-up and gives me a big hug. When we get home, she has an even bigger smile for the dog. The DOG! She claps her hands and giggles at him, wiggling her way out of my arms as fast as she can. Her "woof-woof" gives her big sloppy stinky kisses. I gave her life. But the dog takes precedence.
And when T comes home, all bets are off. Nobody brings a smile to L.E. like her daddy. She will literally push me away to get to him. He scoops her up and spins her around. The way she throws her head back and laughs is like the stuff Hallmark commercials are made of. Sure, it's sweet. It actually makes my heart melt. But why don't I, her MOMMY, get the big smiles and giggles? Is it because I wipe her nose and clean her ears? Is it because my voice is annoying? Is it because I didn't nurse her long enough?
(I'm sure the breast-is-best elite out there will say that is exactly correct. I'm sorry but I really don't want to hear it anymore. The breastfeeding guilt-ship has sailed far away from me at this point. I tried it. It didn't work out. Let's move on, shall we?)
At my parents', L.E. would make a beeline for Grandma. Perfectly acceptable, grandmas are always more fun than moms. It's a fact. My own grandmother was pretty miserable for most of her life but I still preferred her company to my mom's. I'm sure it's because grandmas don't have the word "no" in their vocabulary. So I can understand L.E.'s preference for her grandma.
She will crawl away from me if the TV is on. She'll cry hysterically if I'm the one trying to put her to sleep. She spits out whatever food I give her. She screams while I dress her and comb her hair. She will push me aside if I'm sitting in front of her Elmo doll...seems like none of this stuff happens with her daddy!
I feel like a pretty terrible mom because of this. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Why wouldn't I if it seems like she prefers the mailman's company to mine? I want to be her biggest reason for smiling and giggling. I don't want her to hate me because I clean the green boogers off of her nose while singing "You are my you are my you are my big booger face..." (Like Poker Face only with boogers). I don't want her to prefer T to me. I know that's selfish. But I'm the most insecure person in the world. I just want to be number one in my daughter's eyes.
Or maybe I'm just being paranoid.
Overthink much?

3 comments:

  1. hey, I thought we were the only one to sing Ba-ba-boooooger FACE!

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  2. The fine print is brilliant! And I think you're a phenomenal mom!

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  3. Don't worry, I'm in the same boat. It's pretty rough because Brian is home with Sebastian all day long, so he REALLY loves his daddy. And I did breastfeed for a year (no I do not judge you or anyone who didn't, it just happened to work out for us), and Sebastian still doesn't like me as much as daddy, so how long you breastfed has nothing to do with it. Don't let anyone tell you different, that's bullshit. I truly believe it's our own insecurities.

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