Since I started this 40 Days of 40 Posts experiment, I've faced indecision. What should I write about today? Usually I come up with something clever and go on my merry way. Today is different. I don't know if it's that I've been sick all week. I don't know if it's all of the narcotic cough medicine. I have absolutely no idea what to write about.
I think part of the problem is I've been holding things in that really bother me. And I don't feel that I can "air my grievances" on this blog because I don't want anyone to be hurt. But I'm hurt right now. And I don't know if I can just "get over it."
It's times like these that I worry my Mildred will take over again. Mildred is the name I gave to the dark cloud over my head. Yeah, cue the crazy music. And I genuinely don't mean any disrespect to women actually named Mildred.
Mildred is what kept me from getting out of bed when I was in the throes of postpartum depression. Mildred is the self-doubt that constantly plagues me both at work and at home. Mildred makes me question whether or not I'm a good mom or a good wife or a good friend. Mildred can reduce me to a puddle of emotion in just a short amount of time.
I can sense when Mildred is creeping up on me. I start to feel this weight in the pit of my stomach and it slowly moves it's way up so I have this crushing feeling in my chest. It never manifests to a full-blown anxiety attack; Mildred is way more subtle than that.
Over the years, I've learned to contain Mildred. Anti-depressants work for the most part. But I've discovered the best solution is to just talk out my feelings. If my therapist isn't available, I talk to my dog. Or L.E. She usually just giggles. I'm very glad she can't understand me yet.
We all have our Mildreds. I'm sure mine isn't any different than yours. I just chose to name it so that I wouldn't be so afraid of it. It gets easier to shake off when I can picture myself walking away from Mildred. I truly hope that one day Mildred will only be a memory and not something I encounter regularly.
I guess I found something to write about after all.