Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Things I Don't Understand


  • Video game commercials
  • Earlobe spacers
  • Safety scissors
  • Tights as pants
  • Tight-ass pants
  • Cats
  • Why my parents own three generators
  • Canned cranberry sauce
  • People who wear clothes in swimming pools
  • How Jon Gruden is a color commentator
  • How Cris Collinsworth is a color commentator
  • Soccer
  • Internet commenters
  • Why Lego Friends exists
  • Reddit
  • Not having a cleaning service
  • Gender reveal parties
  • How golf is relaxing
  • My wireless plan
  • Celebrity holiday gift guides
  • Where Dora's parents are
  • Quantum physics
  • Guy Fieri
  • How that weird family's parody videos get so many views
  • Pretty much anything on A&E or TLC
  • How I could forget that I have a piece of chicken in my purse
This is in no way meant to be judgmental and I'm well-aware of serious issues in the world that I don't understand.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

30 Fun Facts About Me [November Blogathon]


My friend Kristen over at The Mrs & The Momma is doing a crazy Blogathon for November. I say crazy because she's actually blogging EVERY DAY. As much as I would love to go back to my 40 Days 40 Posts, reality is that sometimes I just don't know what to say. Which is why I'm poaching Kristen's writing prompts starting with 30 Fun Facts About Me.


  1. I collect stamps and coins.
  2. My longest streak of consecutive meals consisting of tacos is 13.
  3. When I hear the song "Head Full of Doubt" by The Avett Brothers, I burst into tears. What's your #cryingintraffic song?
  4. I'm not going to my 20-year high school reunion in a few weeks but I still think about it rather obsessively.
  5. Speaking of obsessions, Serial.
  6. It's been a long time since I've been jealous of somebody.
  7. I'm loud, witty and sarcastic. I am no longer comfortable keeping that under wraps.
  8. Twenty years ago, I started talking to a cute guy in the parking lot at Pitt. I knew the moment that I met him that he would be a part of my life. I wasn't thinking marriage initially but I'm happy that's where we ended up.
  9. Some of the most intense conversations I've ever had have been in bathrooms.
  10. My longtime karaoke jam was "Africa" by Toto. I'm changing it to "Jolene" because of this outfit.
  11. I dyed my hair red because I wanted flaming locks of auburn hair.
  12. I know a lot of people love me. But do they sequined ducky sweater love me?
  13. Some things I am just not wired to know how to do. Like playing pool, web design and cutting a straight line.
  14. Most of my arguments with strangers involve where to get the best chicken wings.
  15. My daughter is my Mini-Me in every sense, from the scabs on her legs to her giggling at farts to her loathing of vegetables.
  16. I don't lie about my age because I look pretty damn good. 
  17. I started planning my 40th birthday party this past summer because I thought it was next year. 
  18. I am wearing two unicorns today.
  19. I have a mild form of OCD but you would never know based on the condition I left my desk in at work.
  20. I never want to eat, see or smell chocolate again.
  21. I keep a friend's ashes on a shelf in my house. We should have scattered them but I feel better knowing he's nearby, keeping P-man company.
  22. I have crazy intense dreams. The weird part is I will dream about my best friend in the 7th grade more than I dream about my husband and daughter.
  23. I'm an award-winning designer and writer. I've even sold a photograph at an art show. Granted, my mom was the buyer but isn't that the case for most artists?
  24. I hate being depressed. I gain weight, I don't poop and my muscles and joints ache. It takes out my whole body.
  25. My all-time most favorite thing to do ever is absolutely nothing.
  26. I have a problem with taking Ambien and online shopping. Last week, I took one and booked a trip to Vegas including airfare and hotel.
  27. My bad habits include interrupting people, inviting myself over for dinner and constantly checking my phone.
  28. If I were to relaunch a completely different career, I would either be an investigator or a fashion designer. But only with models that look like real people.
  29. I was having popcorn and red wine for dinner waaayyyy before Olivia Pope made it mainstream.
  30. My motto is, has been and always will be "I try."

Monday, November 10, 2014

The Ugliness of it All

Sometimes life ain't pretty.
I'm not sure if I made that up or if it's something my grandma told me. She was always doling out such gems as "Don't lean against the car door or you'll fall out" and "There's no better snack than sardines with mustard."
In short, advice was not her forte.
But there is a lot of truth in how ugly things can be.
I'm not talking about the ugliness of the world where parents beat their kids to death and men lock women in their basements for torture for decades. Yes, that's extreme ugliness and it's horrible and I'm not making comparisons to that at all.
I'm talking about the every-day middle-class ugliness that can knock a person to their knees. Whether it's depression or anxiety or feeling overwhelmed or a cold that won't go away or the fact that you can't open the cap to a bottle of Robitussin... sometimes all you want to do is crumple to the floor and ugly-cry.
Sometimes you reach a point where you don't know if you can pick yourself back up.
How long can I stay here until someone finds me and tells me it's all going to be ok?
Why is it taboo to talk about this? I can't be the only one who has ever felt completely hopeless for no one reason in particular.
What can I do for myself when this happens?
If the answer is to drink tea and meditate,  I may punch you.
I climbed into bed. And I cried.
Yes, this was selfish.
Yes, I ignored my family while this happened.
Yes, I felt better once I climbed back out.
One thing I learned from hypnotherapy is that sometimes you have to do what feels right for you. And if that's slightly unhealthy-seeming but you do feel relief from it, then by all means do it.
So I went to bed.
I woke up an hour later and I felt OK. Not great.
But still better than the ugly.



Thursday, October 16, 2014

Worstest Mom Ever

I'm just the WORSTEST!
Last night, L.E. threw a shit-fit in the craft store because I wouldn't buy her a toy.
Yes. I was in a craft store. Buying things. To make a Halloween costume. Yes. You read that right.
It's like I don't even know who I am anymore!
I was strolling right along, looking for female employees to offer free birth control to (yes, it was THAT craft store; everything about this story is messed up, ok, Judgey McJudgerson!!) and searching for felt-by-the-sheet, which is nowhere near felt-by-the-yard, when L.E. yelled. She erupted in a way that was far more embarrassing than the time she yelled, "I want my daddy! You're not my mom!" in Target.
From the strapped-in confines of the shopping cart, she shouted, "You're the worstest mom ever!!!"
I swear it echoed so loudly that the stoners lingering near the spray paint cans could hear it.
The walls of the scrapbooking aisles rattled.
Racks of decoupage supplies and bric-a-brac quivered.
I reacted as calmly as one who may or not recently spent a day in the hospital for chest pains could. I counted my breaths, asked the blue-vested woman nearest me where I could find replacement glue gun cartridges. I forgot to hand her a packet of Ortho-TriCyclen.
I realized there are far too many glue gun sticks – they're called sticks! – that should exist and made my way to the checkout line.
L.E. was uncontrollable at this point. She was screaming that I was horrible because I wouldn't take her down the toy aisle. "You're so mean! You never get me anything!!!"
Never mind that this is the same child who got BOTH Elsa and Anna dolls at Disney World where "no" was not uttered from an adult in five days.
Never mind that she just received her latest toy from fulfilling her chore chart.
What mattered to her was that I pushed her right past the supposed "toy" aisle and didn't get her anything. That is what made me the worstest mom ever.
We went to the register and I paid the same amount for the supplies to make an orca costume as I would have to buy the really nice one from Wishcraft. The checkout lady – who was of advanced maternal age so I didn't need to give her an IUD – asked L.E. what was wrong. She sniffed sadly and said, "My mom didn't get me a toy and I was being so good." The lady looked at me like I really was the worstest mom ever. I swiped my debit card as my blood boiled. I muttered a "thanks" and shuffled out of the store.
L.E. was still sniffling. She told me that I hurt her feelings when I don't buy her things. And that I'm mean. I did the mature thing and told her she was mean, too. Then I hugged her.
Since I need to finish hot-glueing an orca costume (yes, you read that right) I need to know what age is the right age to sit L.E. in front of the news for the deadbeat parent stories? Because the moms who left their kids in the motel on I-35 to go clubbing all night got nothing on me for not buying a DIY 3-D Mummy puzzle.

Monday, September 22, 2014

The Magic of the Mouse

Her "It's All About Me" shirt sums it up.
To say we survived Disney World would make it seem like it was a traumatic experience. It wasn't; actually we had an amazing time. It was even – dare I say – magical.
The cast of characters was so: Me, L.E., Dr. T, my sister, my mom, my dad and our childhood friend.
I tried to plan the perfect Disney vacation. I made dining reservations, signed up for FastPass experiences and even mapped out our way through the park.
But here's the thing: 
I didn't need to. 
The best advice I can give you about Disney is just go with the flow. You're not going to see everything or ride everything or eat everything. Rides that are fun for a 44-year-old are not going to be fun for a 4-year-old or 64-year-old.
Don't stress yourself out about what is supposed to be a vacation. Because what happens when you have this magical vision in your head about what your magical Disney vacation is supposed to be?
It all goes to shit when the only thing your kid wants to do is ride the Monorail all day instead of the "experiences" you pre-purchased for her and you end up being bitter and resentful.
Didn't get to ride Space Mountain or Spaceship Earth? It's ok. There are better rides.
Missed the character lunch at Tusker House because some of us just aren't into buffets? It's ok; the Yak & Yeti was just fine.
Little girl doesn't want to be made into a princess? Buy her a costume off Amazon in advance and take a change of clothes. (Tinkerbell was itchy for three hours.)
Wasted a FastPass on It's a Small World? Nobody is judging you.
I was quick to discover what kind of Disney people we are.
We like to eat, drink and not wait in line.
We are not into character experiences. I got a few random snaps of Goofy and Pluto along with a high-five from Mexican Donald Duck (at Epcot) but L.E. had no desire to wait to have her photo taken with them.
And I really don't understand the whole autograph book thing.
I may be a tad cynical.
Did we even see Mickey Mouse?
We had our priorities: Dumbo ride. Actually, for L.E. that was pretty much it.
At Animal Kingdom, there's a dinosaur ride that is essentially the same as the Dumbo ride. We rode it twice.
We rode the carousel twice.
We ate Mickey pretzels and cookies that turned our mouths black.
We made friends with a bartender at the Dawa bar.
We built a zany-crazy car at the Test Track.
We ate and drank our way around the world.
We wore crappy ponchos when it rained.
We complained about Canada. (Ok, I did. Because Canada)
We spent way too much time and money on overpriced souvenirs because why not?
We enjoyed a family vacation with few tantrums, none by the four-year-old. (Apparently grandma likes fireworks more than we realized and was not happy to leave before them.)
Disney World has been around for over 40 years. They really have this whole magical experience down pat. Yes, it's expensive. But you know this and there's no reason to be surprised about it when you get there.
Just enjoy the experience for what it is: a chance to manipulate your parents and grandparents into getting anything you want because you're the only child. Plus, they're all drunk.