Sunday, January 10, 2016

Getting My Writing Groove Back

Most nights I lie awake and write in my head. I can't tell you how many amazing ideas and stories that zoom across as my mind-monkey keeps banging the drums.
I've never written them down and by the time I wake up, they're gone.
No matter how much I want to write more consistently, there is always something stopping me: work, parenting, wife-ing, binge-watching whatever TV show was hot five years ago....
My drafts folder has 15 posts with two sentences in them.
But I still have a lot to say and I will get into that groove again, not to entertain my two readers but to maintain my sanity. I'm a better person when I write and I like that I can be honest with my faults and weaknesses.
In the last year, I tried and failed at losing weight. In the last week, I lost three pounds just by the simple principle of not going out for lunch every day.
I thrive better with less pressure on myself.
I discovered a long time ago that my best key to success is to make little changes instead of a huge list of goals. The huge list of goals causes me anxiety to no end...there's no way I'm going to get published on a large scale while losing 30 lbs and training for a half-marathon. If I don't feel like getting out of bed and going for a run because it's cold, that's ok.
I guess the only goals I have for 2016 are to do what feels right for me. In a sense, self-love...something I've ignored my entire life.
The other night, I asked L.E. if she had to describe me in three clues, what would they be? She said: 1. You wear glasses
2. You have a great kid
3. You are the best mom ever.
Number three made me feel all the feels and I hugged her close and thanked her for saying that. Her response was, "I just want to make you happy."
That hit me hard because I believe that she is now old enough to sense when my depression surfaces. I don't know how to tell her that it's never her fault; some people are wired differently than others. But that's a conversation for another time.
So what are my writing goals for 2016? In a sense, nothing concrete. I'm not going to be a BlogHer Voice of the Year. I'm not going to get a book deal....
My writing goal is just to write once in a while...

Monday, October 26, 2015

Hello. It's Me.

Well, I'll at least embed it so you can listen to it while I write a post that is in no way, shape or form meant to be sad.

If you saw the title of this post and thought it was a link to the record-smashing new song from Adele, I'm sorrynotsorry you'll have to read this.
I haven't written in an age and a half and I would love to tell you all of the reasons why.
One of them is that I've been trying to focus on work, which backfired in only the way things can for me. Pro-tip: don't update your Ashley Madison credit card information with the company card.
Other reasons include:

  • I'm so tired
  • I'd rather watch TV
  • I'd rather read this book or this book or this book
  • I'm taking a new medication, which I'm convinced causes me to be distracted easily. Side effects include fatigue, weight gain, excessive urination, dry mouth, distraction and your eyebrows falling out
  • L.E. is in Girl Scouts...not that I'm committing a ton of time to it, I just felt like adding that in because overscheduling kids is the new normal. That hour and a half every other week is just HUGE.
  • Dr. T has been traveling a lot (This has everything nothing to do with my Ashley Madison account)

In all seriousness, I just haven't had much to really write about. It's this time of year when the weather changes and I find myself full of even more self-doubt and self-loathing than normal. I don't know if it's because it's time for my long sleeve shirts and they never fit from the year before – thanks, queso! – or something else.
I felt compelled to write here because anytime I'm full of self-doubt, my readers – all 2 of you – say something nice to make me feel better. So thanks in advance for telling me you like my outfit – why yes, these are new yoga pants! – and that my haircut is fabulous.
I haven't completely abandoned writing; I've had some posts for LiveMom. You should read those, too. Some of them, well most of them, involve alcohol.
Wow, this post is kind of pointless. I think I just wrote it so I could make my side effects joke.
And link to Adele.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Things that are Hard (Now that I Have a Kid in Kindergarten)

Yep, that's right. Another list!
School starts at 7:30 every morning. If you're asking how are kids supposed to learn that early, I do not know the answer; I only know that every day after I drop her off, I feel like I won a hard-fought battle. 
And I haven't even gotten to work yet.

Getting out of bed
Getting my kid out of bed
Brushing the kid's teeth while she's still in bed
Putting clothes on the kid while she's still in bed
Finding something for breakfast that doesn't leave crumbs in the bed
Finding matching shoes
Finding her backpack
Keeping her water bottle from leaking
Keeping her water bottle clean
Finding your keys
Trying to figure out where those precious 15 minutes of downtime went
Leaving the house without forgetting something
Driving a safe speed
Parking in a properly-marked space
Drinking a mug of coffee while hurrying into the school
Fighting the urge to harass the dad wearing a Cleveland Browns shirt
Not using the phrase "getting my shit together" while talking to her teacher
Doing my hair
Doing my makeup
Caring that I wore the same outfit last week
Putting gas in my car
Remembering breakfast before I say "fuck it, I'm going to Whataburger"
Getting to work on time, despite being up for over three hours
Returning emails
Returning calls
Remembering to push SEND
Drinking water
Eating snacks
Signing forms
Checking in with family
Checking in with friends
Checking Facebook
Staying awake
Leaving work on time
Watching TV that does not have an animal or muppet as the main character
Feeling good about my parenting
Feeling good about my appearance
Feeling good about my blogging

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Ten Ways to Get Kicked Out of the PTA the First Week of School

Because being in the PTA is a thankless job...just like parenting.
  • Cut to the front of the coffee line at the First Day of School Breakfast
  • Pull out a flask at the First Day of School Breakfast
  • Pay your dues in pennies carried from an old sock
  • Shout, "Where the strippers at?" at the first all-hands meeting
  • Wear this shirt to Open House:

  • Offer to organize a fundraiser called Shots for Tots at a local dive bar
  • Yell, "It's only the second day so fuck off!" across the parking lot as you're trying to make it inside before the bell rings. On the second day.
  • Park your car on the sidewalk for drop-off and pick-up
  • Openly complain that the library doesn't have the most current issues of Hustler
  • Ask the school nurse when you can schedule a PAP smear for yourself so you can avoid a $30 co-pay

Monday, July 6, 2015

39 and Doing Fine

I turned 39 yesterday.
I said to Dr. T, "Remember my 19th birthday? My sister threw me a surprise party and you had to keep me out of the house all day."
That was 20 YEARS AGO.
So I had a moment of reflection on that day in 1995.
I had a Rachel haircut.
I was wearing shortalls.
I still lived at home.
I would move to Albuquerque a month later.
Nobody thought I would survive on my own. There actually was a bet involved on how long it would be until I moved back home.
I sure showed them!
I remember turning 29 and having an age freakout. I was going to be 30 in a year...a real grownup who won't be able to get away with the fun stuff that people in their 20s do.
Three months after my 29th birthday, my husband's best friend committed suicide. 
I could have gone off the rails and devolved into a shame spiral of drugs or drinking. I started smoking again and began therapy.
Nothing makes you face adulthood like dealing with a loss like that.
My next age crisis came at 35 and for that I blame a friend who once said "35 means you're closer to 50 than you are to 20." 
So I turned 39 yesterday which means one more year till 40. Honestly, the only age crisis I'm having right now is where do I celebrate my 40th birthday so that all of my friends and family will come?
I feel good about my age. I don't look 39, I still look good enough so that I'm not a "she looks good for her age" person yet. 
The weight is coming off, literally and figuratively. 
The only way I feel old is when my daughter tells me my age is a big number. What does she know, she's only 5!
And the fact that I'm always tired. ALWAYS.