Monday, October 26, 2015

Hello. It's Me.

Well, I'll at least embed it so you can listen to it while I write a post that is in no way, shape or form meant to be sad.

If you saw the title of this post and thought it was a link to the record-smashing new song from Adele, I'm sorrynotsorry you'll have to read this.
I haven't written in an age and a half and I would love to tell you all of the reasons why.
One of them is that I've been trying to focus on work, which backfired in only the way things can for me. Pro-tip: don't update your Ashley Madison credit card information with the company card.
Other reasons include:

  • I'm so tired
  • I'd rather watch TV
  • I'd rather read this book or this book or this book
  • I'm taking a new medication, which I'm convinced causes me to be distracted easily. Side effects include fatigue, weight gain, excessive urination, dry mouth, distraction and your eyebrows falling out
  • L.E. is in Girl Scouts...not that I'm committing a ton of time to it, I just felt like adding that in because overscheduling kids is the new normal. That hour and a half every other week is just HUGE.
  • Dr. T has been traveling a lot (This has everything nothing to do with my Ashley Madison account)

In all seriousness, I just haven't had much to really write about. It's this time of year when the weather changes and I find myself full of even more self-doubt and self-loathing than normal. I don't know if it's because it's time for my long sleeve shirts and they never fit from the year before – thanks, queso! – or something else.
I felt compelled to write here because anytime I'm full of self-doubt, my readers – all 2 of you – say something nice to make me feel better. So thanks in advance for telling me you like my outfit – why yes, these are new yoga pants! – and that my haircut is fabulous.
I haven't completely abandoned writing; I've had some posts for LiveMom. You should read those, too. Some of them, well most of them, involve alcohol.
Wow, this post is kind of pointless. I think I just wrote it so I could make my side effects joke.
And link to Adele.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Things that are Hard (Now that I Have a Kid in Kindergarten)

Yep, that's right. Another list!
School starts at 7:30 every morning. If you're asking how are kids supposed to learn that early, I do not know the answer; I only know that every day after I drop her off, I feel like I won a hard-fought battle. 
And I haven't even gotten to work yet.

Getting out of bed
Getting my kid out of bed
Brushing the kid's teeth while she's still in bed
Putting clothes on the kid while she's still in bed
Finding something for breakfast that doesn't leave crumbs in the bed
Finding matching shoes
Finding her backpack
Keeping her water bottle from leaking
Keeping her water bottle clean
Finding your keys
Trying to figure out where those precious 15 minutes of downtime went
Leaving the house without forgetting something
Driving a safe speed
Parking in a properly-marked space
Drinking a mug of coffee while hurrying into the school
Fighting the urge to harass the dad wearing a Cleveland Browns shirt
Not using the phrase "getting my shit together" while talking to her teacher
Doing my hair
Doing my makeup
Caring that I wore the same outfit last week
Putting gas in my car
Remembering breakfast before I say "fuck it, I'm going to Whataburger"
Getting to work on time, despite being up for over three hours
Returning emails
Returning calls
Remembering to push SEND
Drinking water
Eating snacks
Signing forms
Checking in with family
Checking in with friends
Checking Facebook
Staying awake
Leaving work on time
Watching TV that does not have an animal or muppet as the main character
Feeling good about my parenting
Feeling good about my appearance
Feeling good about my blogging

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Ten Ways to Get Kicked Out of the PTA the First Week of School

Because being in the PTA is a thankless job...just like parenting.
  • Cut to the front of the coffee line at the First Day of School Breakfast
  • Pull out a flask at the First Day of School Breakfast
  • Pay your dues in pennies carried from an old sock
  • Shout, "Where the strippers at?" at the first all-hands meeting
  • Wear this shirt to Open House:

  • Offer to organize a fundraiser called Shots for Tots at a local dive bar
  • Yell, "It's only the second day so fuck off!" across the parking lot as you're trying to make it inside before the bell rings. On the second day.
  • Park your car on the sidewalk for drop-off and pick-up
  • Openly complain that the library doesn't have the most current issues of Hustler
  • Ask the school nurse when you can schedule a PAP smear for yourself so you can avoid a $30 co-pay

Monday, July 6, 2015

39 and Doing Fine

I turned 39 yesterday.
I said to Dr. T, "Remember my 19th birthday? My sister threw me a surprise party and you had to keep me out of the house all day."
That was 20 YEARS AGO.
So I had a moment of reflection on that day in 1995.
I had a Rachel haircut.
I was wearing shortalls.
I still lived at home.
I would move to Albuquerque a month later.
Nobody thought I would survive on my own. There actually was a bet involved on how long it would be until I moved back home.
I sure showed them!
I remember turning 29 and having an age freakout. I was going to be 30 in a year...a real grownup who won't be able to get away with the fun stuff that people in their 20s do.
Three months after my 29th birthday, my husband's best friend committed suicide. 
I could have gone off the rails and devolved into a shame spiral of drugs or drinking. I started smoking again and began therapy.
Nothing makes you face adulthood like dealing with a loss like that.
My next age crisis came at 35 and for that I blame a friend who once said "35 means you're closer to 50 than you are to 20." 
So I turned 39 yesterday which means one more year till 40. Honestly, the only age crisis I'm having right now is where do I celebrate my 40th birthday so that all of my friends and family will come?
I feel good about my age. I don't look 39, I still look good enough so that I'm not a "she looks good for her age" person yet. 
The weight is coming off, literally and figuratively. 
The only way I feel old is when my daughter tells me my age is a big number. What does she know, she's only 5!
And the fact that I'm always tired. ALWAYS.

Friday, June 5, 2015

Things You Shouldn't Do After You Take Ambien

Trust me, all are bad ideas.
  • Shop online
  • Shop online at Amazon Prime
  • Shop online at Amazon Now
  • Order pizza
  • Order Chinese food
  • Order both pizza AND Chinese food
  • Call your mom
  • Call your dad
  • Call that one friend you haven't spoken to in months
  • Call that one friend's ex-boyfriend and tell him he's a dick
  • Call your husband a dick
  • Book a trip to Vegas
  • Book a trip to Europe
  • Book a trip to outer space
  • Experiment with eyeliner
  • Experiment with Sharpie eyebrows
  • Experiment with your hot female neighbor
  • Trim your bangs
  • Hair removal of any kind
  • Clean your oven
  • Clean your bathtub
  • Fix your vacuum cleaner
  • Give your dog a bath
  • Sew
  • Watch the Red Wedding episode of Game of Thrones
  • Watch Brazil
  • Watch any non-comedy made before 1984
  • Watch your child sleep
  • Watch your husband sleep
  • Watch House Hunters
  • Pull peeling wallpaper off the wall
  • Hire an interior decorator and general contractor for your house remodel
  • Plan a house remodel
  • Sign up for a subscription of any kind
  • Be anywhere near an internet connection
  • Take another Ambien